Dear River,
While due dates are theoretical, yours is cemented in my heart forever. October 18. I should be holding you in my arms right now. But instead of smelling your newborn breath and stroking your soft, fuzzy head I am left alone with the haunting memories of your short-lived life, with the joy that was plucked from my womb too soon and a life that was robbed of you. Yes. I am missing you tonight.
Exactly five months have passed since I delivered your still little body and looked in horrified awe at your perfectly formed features. For one small moment to me it seemed you were just asleep. A tiny babe still sleeping. And for the past couple of months it seemed my bottomless grief and loss--my emptiness--had finally grown quiet as well. But as the weeks and days of this date have drawn near I have felt their stirrings within me. The sadness has not died. It was only sleeping.
I do not grieve because I am afraid I will never see you again. I know I will. I do not cry because I don't understand why you had to go away. And I do not think Heavenly Father will count it against me that my mother-heart still aches to hold and know you. I know about hope and faith and The Resurrection. I know about love and trust and patience. But I also know about heartache and emptiness and healing.
My tiny son, you might have been laid to rest five short months ago, but clearly you have not been forgotten. Thank you for teaching me that life is precious, painful, short, sacred. You were my gift that no one can take away.
Love Always,
Your Mother
While due dates are theoretical, yours is cemented in my heart forever. October 18. I should be holding you in my arms right now. But instead of smelling your newborn breath and stroking your soft, fuzzy head I am left alone with the haunting memories of your short-lived life, with the joy that was plucked from my womb too soon and a life that was robbed of you. Yes. I am missing you tonight.
Exactly five months have passed since I delivered your still little body and looked in horrified awe at your perfectly formed features. For one small moment to me it seemed you were just asleep. A tiny babe still sleeping. And for the past couple of months it seemed my bottomless grief and loss--my emptiness--had finally grown quiet as well. But as the weeks and days of this date have drawn near I have felt their stirrings within me. The sadness has not died. It was only sleeping.
I do not grieve because I am afraid I will never see you again. I know I will. I do not cry because I don't understand why you had to go away. And I do not think Heavenly Father will count it against me that my mother-heart still aches to hold and know you. I know about hope and faith and The Resurrection. I know about love and trust and patience. But I also know about heartache and emptiness and healing.
My tiny son, you might have been laid to rest five short months ago, but clearly you have not been forgotten. Thank you for teaching me that life is precious, painful, short, sacred. You were my gift that no one can take away.
Love Always,
Your Mother
7 comments:
Thank you for the reminder of how precious life is. This made me cry. Take your time to heal, you need it.
You are an amazing mother and we love you and your family very much!!
That is such a sweet tribute to River! So sad to hear of your heart break.
I love you Trish - you are a great woman and River is lucky to be sealed to you and your family. Hugs and Kisses - Amy
I am so glad to be able to have your blog to "keep up" with you. I loved reading this post and it made me cry. It reminds me of what a GREAT person you are and how much you inspire me.
What a sweet remembrance of River. Thinking of you and sending loving thoughts your way. *hugs*
Memories are what holds us together. Knowledge of Heavenly Father's plan brings peace in times like these. I hope you will find comfort in this verse to a special song.
I am a child of God and He has called me home.
My earthly journey's through but still, I do not walk alone.
He leads me, guides me, walks beside me, helps me find the way.
He welcomed me with open arms. I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I have gone ahead.
My earthly life was brief but oh, such peace and love you gave.
You loved me, held me, stood beside me and though I cannot stay.
You gave me much to help me and I live with Him today.
I am a child of God and I will wait for you.
Celestial glory shall be ours, if you can but endure.
I'll lead you, guide you, walk beside you.
Help you find the way.
I'll welcome you with open arms
One bright Celestial day.
--Donna Kulliard
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