May 22, 2010

So far today has been the first day I haven't broken down in sobs since I discovered little River was no longer with us. But that certainly doesn't mean five minutes have gone by without him in my thoughts.

This morning we went to Roman's t-ball game and as I watched the little boys tossing the ball back and forth I thought about River and felt sad that we would never be at the ball parks cheering for him. I watched Jimmy as he worked with Roman and thought about how much he would have loved another son.

There's something that both comforts and haunts me. Everytime I look at Roman--every time--I see River's face staring back at me. You wouldn't think that a baby so tiny and still unborn would resemble his brother five years older than him but it's true. Both Jimmy and I noticed it right away. River had the same face as Roman. The same oval shape. The same nose. The same mouth. It crushes me to think how much Roman would have loved his little brother.

Roman has been rittling me with questions about the baby and his death since I came home. The first night we were all back together Roman's bright blue eyes were so full of curiosity and sadness. "Why did he die?" "Will Jesus send you another baby? Will it be a boy?" "He could have shared a room with me... but I guess I'm still all alone." That one broke my heart.

I know I have a long ways to go before the pangs of sorrow and emptiness will begin to subside. My eyes are still drawn to pregnant women and as I look at them I feel the echoing hollowness of my own empty womb. I still think about holding my newborn babe while knowing I will never realize that dream on this earth. I know October will be especially hard when it rolls around and my arms are still empty. But for now my heart is full in knowing that this little boy who was connected to me---body and spirit--will be mine forever. I can't wait to hold you again, River.