Things A Mother Does Not Want to Hear

 1. "Mom! B was dancing on the roof...naked!"  Yes, our three-year-old B had climbed out the window upstairs and was dancing on the roof in his preferred outfit of nothing.  When I asked him why he was up there he simply replied, "Because I was waving at the neighbors...but they didn't wave back."  My thoughts: Probably because they were calling the police!!!  

2.  From an email from 12 yo Leah while she was babysitting her younger siblings, "Mom, Roman and Teagan have a dove captive in the house. :( "  Ummm....yeah.  Apparently there was a loose bird flying amok in my home.  Feathers were everywhere when I got home.  I love my life.

3. From the husband who has woken me up at midnight from a dead sleep, "Watch out!  Watch out!  There is a huge spider above the bed!!"  He leaped out of bed, flicked on the light, threw off the covers and searched and searched and searched for the monstrous spider.  We found nothing.  I asked him how big the spider was and he proceeded to indicate with his hands the size of a basketball. Obviously he was dreaming when he saw the spider, but I went and slept on the couch anyways.  I felt imaginary spiders crawling in my hair all night!